sorry I’m not sorry

I’m cuddled up on the couch, drinking a glass of wine, and watching a movie.

alone.

I haven’t spoken actual words since I said “thank you” to the gym attendant at 7:00 this evening. I thought I was lonely when I moved home this summer, but I had no idea what lonely was.

I’m sure I’ve already said that it’s scary living alone but in case I haven’t…it’s scary living alone. I come home, take my “weapon” upstairs with me (it’s a wooden pole that probably wouldn’t hurt anyone), turn all the lights on upstairs, and then run back downstairs and start making dinner. This is a pattern that I’ve fallen into since moving into my new apartment. I’ll cook my dinner, watch Netflix until about 11 or 12, and then go upstairs and go to sleep. Do NOT enter into adulthood.

I have been managing my alone-ness fairly well, only calling my dad and panicking about intruders a few times. But lately, I have really felt alone. No friends, no romances, no enemies, no pets, no maids, no dating sites, nothing to keep me company.

I complain about my situation to the few friends that I have, and a typical response is: “you’re not alone, you have God.” NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR THAT CRAP. I want you to tell me that you’re coming to visit me, or that my personality is so addictive that I’ll make friends in no time, or that you went to a psychic and that psychic told you that I would make a friend in the near future. I will tell you what I don’t want to hear, and that’s the fact that I only have God to keep me company. Is that not just another way of saying, “sucks to suck, sorry about your luck, you have no friends?”

Let me be even more raw for a minute  (if that’s possible) and tell you that I didn’t really have any intention of preaching the Gospel through this blog entry. I just wanted to complain, and I have no friends to complain to. How depressing does that sound?  I am thumbing through my Bible now to find something, anything, that might say God actually cares about me and my loneliness (because He totally doesn’t!).

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the Lord your God…and you will make friends eventually, but if you don’t that’s okay too.” [Isaiah 43:2-3]

I swear I didn’t add anything to that (hehe). Anyway, I was reluctantly reminded through this that God does in fact care about me. The passage goes on to say that he gives people in exchange for Israel. I have always been confused by this. LIke, oh cool, God kills people because of me? I don’t want to say that too loud. Come on God, stop that nonsense.

But when I took time to actually apply the scripture to my life instead of just read it literally like that, I came to the understanding that maybe God cares enough about me to take things from me. He wants all of Katherine, not just a piece of her. He is willing to give things in exchange for that, because I am special. God loves people. He created them in His likeness. He wouldn’t just run around “killing” people for the heck of it. But, He strips idols. He takes them away. And as much as I don’t want to admit it, I idolize people, relationships, friendships, and really just attention of any kind. I notice that more and more as I am living alone with no one to pay attention to me. I want to feel loved and important and cool; I can’t get these feelings from watching TV and drinking wine alone all night, believe me.

Idolization is a real, dirty thing. It is detrimental and destructive. It is something that has kept me from doing a lot of really good things for Jesus. One of those really good things being planting a church with my friends in Baltimore. But I constantly let my idolatry become something more important than God. I have let this idolization of attention and relationships destroy things, but God has been faithful enough to continue providing for me and loving me. He is giving men in exchange for me, whatever that may look like, daily. I am a nasty idolater. I deserve to be alone until death, at which point I should end up in Hell for the rest of eternity. But my God is not having that. He’s given me the free gift of salvation, and now He’s just trying to teach me how to love Him better.

Maybe I’ll continue to live alone and have no friends until I can actually understand that God is all I need. Until I can understand that maybe my friends aren’t idiots for saying that to me. That maybe I am the idiot for not believing it. While I am over here drowning alone and burning up in a fire, also alone, God is telling me that He’s with me. I may feel abandoned and scared and alone, but I’m not.

Sorry, I’m not sorry for complaining about my life and throwing a pity party for one (moscato included). If I hadn’t, I might not have seen the Truth. That’s why I write this dumb blog. So I can see the Truth. Thank you, God, for showing me the Truth, through my friends, your Word, and my loneliness.

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One thought on “sorry I’m not sorry

  1. By sharing your “loneliness” you are sharing with so many people. It has been a long summer of alone, I was told the other day that I had never been seen so pale (un-tan). You are exactly right, God will take things, and people, from us to spend more alone time with him. I am so very proud of your journey!!!

    Sent from my iPad

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